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User Poll::Jokes!

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digitxp
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User Poll::Jokes!

I haven't had a good laugh in quite a while.
What's the funniest joke you ever heard/read? (And where did you learn it?)
I'll go first:
A conductor was putting on a performance of Beethoven's 9th Symphony at 8. Unfortunately, his chorus couldn't be there until 6, so he started rehearsal without them. In the middle of the rehearsal, the air conditioning broke, so they brought out huge fans to keep the orchestra cool. This worked, but the conductor's score kept blowing away, so he had to tie it down. During this, the bass section and two cellists decided that they had had enough, so they went to the tavern across the street and got really drunk. In fact, the two cellists never came back. So six-o-clock rolls around and the chorus arrived. By then the air conditioning had been fixed and they continued with the rehearsal. Finally, it was 8 and the concert began. The concert was almost finished when the air conditioning went out again, so the fans were brought out and the conductor tied his score down. It was very hard to try and turn the page while conducting, and he was about to quit, because it was the bottom of the ninth, the score was tied, the basses were loaded, there were two outs, and the fans were going wild.
(Taken from http://www.thefrenchhorn.net/jokes.html).

BrianAll
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heehee!

Q: What is a polynomial?
A: When you forget to feed your parrot.

Q: What is a binomial?
A: When you don't pay for your meal at a restaurant.

Q: What is a trinomial?
A: When you don't eat at supper time.

Bruce Pascoe
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...

I don't get any of those... Sad

ZachHudock
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1. Polynomial -> "Polly No

1. Polynomial -> "Polly No Meal", Polly is typically a name associated with Parrots

2. Binomial -> "Buy No Meal"

3. Trinomial -> "Tri No Meal", Tri = 3, dinner is the 3rd meal of the day

The developer formerly known as ZGitRDun8705

BrianAll
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Try...

3. Trinomial -> "Try No Meal" Smile Your's works too...

@Bruce: It's a math joke: Wikipedia--Polynomial: In mathematics, a polynomial is an expression constructed from one or more variables and constants, using the operations of addition, subtraction, multiplication, and constant positive whole number exponents... Polynomials are one of the most important concepts in algebra and throughout mathematics and science. It's algebra. A binomial has 2 terms, and a trinomial has 3 terms... etc Blum

ZachHudock
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I figured Try No Meal made

I figured Try No Meal made more sense, but your A: for that one would imply that somebody missed the 3rd meal of the day lol. At least, that's how I saw it.

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alfred.frek
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Hindi jokes

Hindi jokes Shayari makes it so simple, fill your emotions into it and guess what your love accepts you whole heartedly.In todays fast paced and stressful lifes,it is important to seek some sort of entertainment or stressbuster. are an easy way of releving Stress.

ZachHudock
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Three guys walked into a

Three guys walked into a bar...the fourth ducked.

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Zach Thibeau
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Well

Well mine is not really a joke but it's more or less a Church Bulletin Blooper

Today the youth will be collecting cans, Proceeds will go to cripple children

your friendly neighbourhood moderator Zach Thibeau

sergentsiler
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...

Dick Cheny, das da joke! (If you dont get that, Dick Cheny shot his friend in the face while hunting quail and the funnies part wasent the shooting, it was that Dick got an appology for getting shot in the face from his friend.)

the Intel 80386. a processor you can install 4 different ways, 3 of which might set it on fire.
(Quite litterally a personal experence, funny enough, mine fried out of my Packard Bell Pack- Mate X20 (386 SX-20) this day last year!)

Zoop

TaffinFoxcroft
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lol

But there’s no sense crying over every mistake,
You just keep on trying till you run out of cake.

sergentsiler
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...

"A man walks into a bar, can you guess what he said? Yes that is right, he said ouch!"

(bad joke drums in background - sees that joke isnt that funny and starts to blush from embarassment)

Zoop

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What to do With Extra Money

A Texas trooper pulled a car over, but instead of writing the man a ticket for a traffic infraction, he gave the driver $500. The driver was astonished.

"Whats the deal?" the driver asked the trooper.

The trooper replied that it was part of the state's recognition program for responsible drivers. Driver was awarded $250 for wearing his seat belt and $250 for doing the speed limit. The driver couldn't believe his luck.

"What are you going to do with the cash?" the trooper asked.

"Well I guess I'm going to get a driver's license," the man replied.

"Oh, don't listen to him," said his friend in the passenger seat. "He tries to be smart when he's drunk."

This woke up the man in the back seat who looked at the cop and moaned, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."

At that moment there was a knock from the trunk and a voice that asked, "Are we over the border yet?"

Load the App and Play :evil:

Skitter302
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Attitude is Everything

A man seeking to join an East Texas Sheriff's Department is being interviewed.

The Interviewer says, "Your qualifications all look good, but you still need to take the attitude stability test before being accepted."

Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegals, six meth dealers, three carjackers, three bank robbers, and a rabbit."

The man replied, "Why the rabbit?"

"Great attitude," says the Sargent. "When can you start?

Load the App and Play :evil:

Mir
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Tiffanys

A LADY WALKS INTO TIFFANY'S .. SHE LOOKS AROUND, SPOTS A BEAUTIFUL DIAMOND BRACELET AND WALKS OVER TO INSPECT IT... AS SHE BENDS OVER TO LOOK MORE CLOSELY, SHE UNEXPECTEDLY FARTS... VERY EMBARRASSED, SHE LOOKS AROUND NERVOUSLY TO SEE IF ANYONE NOTICED HER LITTLE WOOPS AND PRAYS THAT A SALESPERSON WAS NOT ANYWHERE NEAR...

AS SHE TURNS AROUND, HER WORST NIGHTMARE MATERIALIZES IN THE FORM OF A SALESMAN STANDING RIGHT BEHIND HER... GOOD LOOKING AS WELL .. COOL AS A CUCUMBER, HE DISPLAYS ALL OF THE QUALITIES ONE WOULD EXPECT OF A PROFESSIONAL IN A STORE LIKE TIFFANY'S...

HE POLITELY GREETS THE LADY WITH, 'GOOD DAY, MADAM .. HOW MAY WE HELP YOU TODAY??? BLUSHING AND UNCOMFORTABLE, BUT STILL HOPING THAT THE SALESMAN SOMEHOW MISSED HER LITTLE 'INCIDENT', SHE ASKS, 'SIR, WHAT IS THE PRICE OF THIS LOVELY BRACELET ??'

HE ANSWERS, "MADAM .. IF YOU FARTED JUST LOOKING AT IT - YOU'RE GOING TO SHIT WHEN I TELL YOU THE PRICE .."

(Note Original Text was in caps. please protect your ears and read it outloud at a lower volume than with normal all caps.)

Mir
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old people

Two businessmen in Sun City West Arizona were sitting down for a break in their "soon-to-be" new store.

As yet ... the store wasn't ready ... with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other ... "I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by ... put his face to the window ... and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when ... sure enough ... a curious senior walked to the window ... had a peek ... and in a soft voice asked ... "What are you sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically ... "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat the old timer said ... "Must be doing well ... Only two left."

Moral: DON'T MESS WITH US OLD PEOPLE

bpmackow
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squid

Somewhere on an island in the South Pacific is an island with a small village. On the same day every year, a squid comes out of the ocean and eats some of the villagers. One year, on this day, a native is sitting, playing his guitar, thinking he is going to be eaten. Sure enough the squid comes right up to him. It sniffs around, then eats his guitar pick and goes back in the ocean.
The next year, on that day, the natives set out a giant pile of guitar picks on the beach. Then they go in the forest and hide. They wait for a while, then a rabbit comes along and starts eating the picks. One of the natives comes out and yells "silly rabbit, picks are for squids!"

"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." - Albert Einstein

My use of Google indicates that I am insane.

Mir
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thats horrible :<

A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.
She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to
the counter. A Cabela's associate is standing there wearing dark shades.
She says, 'Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?'
He says, ‘Ma’am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter,
I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.'
She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, 'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a
Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all around
combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00.'
She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of
it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!' As she opens her purse, her
credit card drops on the floor.

'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,' he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts.
At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way
the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he
wouldn't know that she was the only person around?

The man rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $34.50 please.'
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me
the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?'
He replies, 'Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call
is $11. 00 and the Catfish Stink Bait is $3.50. ‘

She paid it and left without saying a word

bpmackow
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English joke

Knock knock
Who's there?
to
to who?
to whom

If you don't get it: the "to" implies indirect object, which mandates that who be put in the object case (whom).

"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." - Albert Einstein

My use of Google indicates that I am insane.

Mir
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no pun in ten did

Puns for Educated Minds

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .
21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

bpmackow
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machinist joke

I got this from my shop teacher.

"I've re-cut this part 3 times now, and no matter how much I cut it, it's too small!"

"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." - Albert Einstein

My use of Google indicates that I am insane.

Virago
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#17

Wouldn't it be an upside down poet who writes inverse? The backward one is the critic, who of course writes reverse.

Mir
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there are a few i didnt understand

and that was one of them

KevinM
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Hip poets

Hip poets write free form. Backward ("old school") poets write inverse.

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