New York, NY and Redmond, WA - April 1, 2009 - PortableApps.com is proud to announce that it has merged with Microsoft to create the future of portable software. The new software platform will be called the Microsoft USB Mobile Portability Suite (MUMPS) and will combine PortableApps.com's innovative portable software with the global distribution capabilities of Microsoft. The all-cash transaction will make PortableApps.com a fully Microsoft-owned entity. Of the deal, PortableApps.com founder and lead developer John T. Haller said "Holy f*&#! I'm rich, beyo%$&!".
Closed Source, Monthly Fee Per-App / Per-Drive
To maximize value to the end user, MUMPS will use the more secure and faster-moving closed-source software paradigm and be billed at a small monthly fee. Each device the suite is installed to would be billed at a rate of US$5 per month. Each application used would be billed at a rate of US$1 per month. All application usage would be tracked via simple tracking software that will be automatically installed on each PC the suite is used on. To improve performance, the tracking software will be permanently installed on each PC, speeding up subsequent uses of the platform.
Working With Windows Vista and Windows 7
MUMPS will take full advantage of the advanced features of Windows Vista and Windows 7, allowing it to have a semi-transparent glass border around its interface (the most-requested feature among current PortableApps.com users). "This new interface will maximize user productivity and happiness in ways that the current release just can't match" said new project spokeswoman Anita Bath. Bath went on to say that the although this new interface would now require Windows Vista and Windows 7 (thus no longer working with 75% of the world's computers), suite users would be offered a coupon for a 0.1% discount on an upgrade to Windows Vista and a free MUMPS refrigerator magnet.
Additional Features, Additional Fees
The suite's additional features like large fonts, theme switching, wallpaper switching and autorun abilities will be billed at a reasonable US$0.50 per use, maximizing user productivity and revenue.
Release Schedule
The new release will be available for purchase this afternoon. All existing copies of PortableApps.com's software will be remotely deactivated and the end user given the choice to get MUMPS or be reported to the Business Software Alliance for running unlicensed software. Upgrade today!
PS - Happy April Fools' Day! Yes, it's a joke, you can laugh :-) It has been a few years since I did this one and I thought it was time for something fun for PortableApps.com users. - JTH
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ahah....ha....haaa.....whew.....*panting heavily*.....you almost gave me a heart attack......*sigh*....dont ever do that again!!!!
*thump*.....*drops on the floor....unconscious*
ditto!
"What about Love?" - "Overrated. Biochemically no different than eating large quantities of chocolate." - Al Pacino in The Devils Advocate
LOL nice!
cowsay Moo
cowthink 'Dude, why are you staring at me.'
I just can't come up with a witty enough reply!
I guess this will have to suffice.
Too many lonely hearts in the real world
Too many bridges you can burn
Too many tables you can't turn
Don't wanna live my life in the real world
You almost made me Divide by 0 for suicide!!!
lololol
I did it oni T_T its too late for meh! RUN XD
Nice one though
iLike Macs, iPwn, However you put it... Apple is better ^_^
"Claiming that your operating system is the best in the world because more people use it is like saying McDonalds makes the best food in the world..."
I was about to move this to the Off Topic forum until I realized the Author and Date
Good one John, You fooled me, not in thinking it was true, but in thinking it was in the wrong place
Tim
Things have got to get better, they can't get worse, or can they?
Since many new computers come with fingerprint readers, could you possibly use that to link every user's fingerprint into the DARPA Total Information Awareness database?
That would make me feel so much more secure!
I made this half-pony, half-monkey monster to please you.
... a real disease. Where is the doctor?
Silhouette stands up from the audience and says: "I'm a doctor"
Bugs Bunny: "ehhhh, what's up, doc?"
I made this half-pony, half-monkey monster to please you.
"Ó rapazola, brincas assim mais uma vez e eu vou desta para melhor!"
The first thing that came to my mind was "what the hell... PAY ?? For free APPS? And Portable? dame you MS Freaks".
But the PS, calmed me down.
Nice Joke, keep up the nice work. We are all here to help if you need.
Thanks for the laugh. You outdid Google this year. Gmail was OK, but Google was more interesting than funny. This, though... this was good.
If Microsoft were to acquire a portable applications provider, they could do far worse and little better.
LMFAO
EDIT: This whole thing is hilarious but gotta say the last sentence of the first paragraph is my fave
PortableApps.com Advocate
it was a joke...but man John. You hit MS right on the head...I'd cry another nile if this ever happened. LOL.
Almost had me. Thank goodnes for the PS.
Hey! Where'd it go?
everything I owned, computer wise in the trash, glad I read it to the end.........
good one.
who needs a bath?
This by far outdid CADIE (Google's attempt)
But there’s no sense crying over every mistake,
You just keep on trying till you run out of cake.
Argh...... 8·S
Nice joke. But what's the joke, the first part or the part calling the first a joke? 8·D
I thought I was nice by providing multiple clues throughout the article. Right in the first paragraph you have the name Microsoft USB Mobile Portability Suite (MUMPS) which is likely to seem fake. Followed by my quote "I'm rich, beyo%$&!" which is a nod to Chappelle's Show.
The fees are another one as they would be quite high in total. Plus the fact that it leaves tracking software behind on every PC... how is THAT portable? And I was hoping people would pick up on the fake name "Anita Bath". Finally, I closed it with a direct threat of the BSA, which is a real organization and used in a similar manner... but never quite so openly.
Anyway, I hope everybody enjoyed it. I'm gonna try and do an internet-wide one next year similar to my old Mafiaa.org one.
Sometimes, the impossible can become possible, if you're awesome!
BSA = Boy Scouts of America
Release Team Member
How is MS Press Relations a Member for 2 years 33 weeks ???
Have you been planning this? :))
Anyway, you will have to pay for the surgery to remove the image your post has created in my brain!
Artificial intelligence stands no chance against natural stupidity!
Well, if he is the creator of the site, John could easily have edited that.
8·S
It's a trick...
Drupal gives you the abilities to change the date and time a user joined.
the only way you can do this is by modifying certain rows in the SQL database. And then you get problems with auto-incrementing user IDs.
I think it's safe to say that the account was created over 2 years ago (which fits in perfectly in a way which it just wouldn't be worth while fixing) and John used it. Maybe he renamed it. Maybe he took it over. I don't know. I don't really care...
I am a Christian and a developer and moderator here.
“A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” – Proverbs 15:1
i read it yester day and thought it was a smamer trying to make a joke so i read the comments and realized it was john so i read the rest of it and it sounded to stupid to be true
any nice attempt John
"It's just an online installer. It's not going to mug you.", JTH
"The shell is the key to unlock Linux's greatest advantages."
OOH MS Press Relations have been a member for two years Mmmm...
Just remembered to post here about this...
I'm a developer here of one of the ~60 (current) applications! Where's my 1/60th or even 1% of the takeover money? Or have you disclaimed copyright whatnot like in the MAFIAA thing about only corporates being allowed to own copyright?
(BTW, so you can transfer the money to me, my Nigerian bank account details are...)
I am a Christian and a developer and moderator here.
“A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” – Proverbs 15:1